Last week I purchased a Cookshack Smokette smoker from a local chlorine-stenched pool emporium. I was a little put off by the surly sales lady who said I should come back next week for the cookout. I thought I should explain to her that I would rather drink from a gas pump than spend two seconds with a bunch of poolies I don't know sucking down crappy corn cobs and shitty hog sausages. Nonetheless, I escaped by offering a false promise of my presence at the shindig.

Once I got the smoker home, I reluctantly followed the instruction manual and "seasoned" the smoker for eight hours. It was the longest eight hours of my life. I sat there watching my shiny new piece of food preparation equipment puff clouds of smog out of its tiny blowhole while the stainless steel inside it turned a molasses shade of brown.

Meanwhile, I was brining a seven pound pork butt (shoulder not the actual ass) in the following:

• 1/2 cup of pickling salt (pickling salt will easily dissolve in cold water)
• 1 cup of molasses
• 2 tbsp. of red pepper seeds
• enough water to completely cover the meat

I allowed the butt to soak up the brine for 13 hours. Frankly, I would have liked to let it go a full 24, but because I knew it could take up to 20 hours to cook, I needed to cut the corner.

I dried and rubbed my butt with the included "rib rub" mix that's little more than paprika, pepper, salt and brown sugar.

I loaded the smoker with five ounces of hickory, placed the probe for my Polder remote thermometer into my butt and shoved it in the smoker.

My first clue that the thermometer was malfunctioning came early, in fact, right away. The indicator read 544 F for the temperature of my butt. I kinda chalked it up to that my butt was too cold for the gauge and that once it got into the proper range everything would be just fine. Boy was I wrong.

I set the thermostat for 225 F and monitored the temperature inside the oven as it went through its well documented initial spike. Thanks to the information in the Cookshack forum I didn't freak out when I saw the temperature climb to 270 F. Eventually, it came back into an accepted range and I went to bed.

No, there weren't any "visions of pork butts dancing in my head" dreams, just your normal king of the world, white rabbit chasing, superhero dreams that I'm accustomed to. But, when I woke up, I was definitely in a nightmare.

The Polder's food temperature was a whopping 348 F but the smokers internal temp was only registering 280 F. I knew (hoped really) there had to be a malfunction because the foods internal temp couldn't be higher than the oven's. I violated rule number one of the smokers edict, I opened it early.

The warm sugary sweet air that wafted to my nose was heavenly but, I could tell with a quick prod that it wasn't nearly the stated 348 degrees. With the door open the thermometer's temperature readings dropped like a wet newspaper. I thought maybe I had somehow pinched the probe's wire in the door too hard and that caused the crazy readings. So I carefully sealed the door paying close attention so as not to pinch the wire this time. But, as soon as the door closed the temperature shot up again. The troubles with the Polder were making me crazy, and more troubling, they were causing my butt to dry out because of the excessive door openings.

In order to avoid the door and its pinching portal, I fished the probe down the Smokette's blowhole and reinserted it into my butt. With that, I closed the door for the last time and the temperature leveled off at 170 F. Much better.

I was shooting for a temperature of 200 F and, according to the Cookshack forum, it would be quite some time before I reached my goal. Evidently, the butt reaches some plateau around 175 F and then it remains at that temperature for quite some time before it finally decides to get warmer. I found it hard not to take the plateau personally.

"Did I open the door too often?"

"Am I at the right temperature?"

"Did I change my underpants prematurely"

"Has today's humidity affected my butt smoking judgment?"

Instead of fretting I decided to walk away and give my butt some alone time. I had never really been away from my butt, so it was a little difficult pulling out of the driveway and leaving my butt behind, but it was exactly what needed to happen.

At the 19 hour mark my butt was hot. According to the Polder it was 194 F. I sat by the window and watched the temperature gauge as if it were a bright shiny dirt bike in the motorcycle shop window and I was 15 years old again.

Finally, at 7:00pm the Polder indicated an internal temperature of 200 F (although I know I should have checked it in a few places) and I pulled it out and brought it inside.



I wrapped it in some foil and waited for it to cool down for about an hour. Actually, they say that first it will continue to rise in temperature a few degrees--okay by me since the ideal temperature for pulling is supposed to be 205 F. After an hour Brandi and I went at it with some forks. Here are some pictures. (click to enlarge)







We both agreed, the pulled pork sandwiches we gleaned from this, my first butt, were the best either of us had ever wrapped our mouths around. In fact, Brandi is still telling her friends about my butt.